Alone
by Vermouth
Summary: Remus is at Grimmauld Place, not really wanting to live anymore now that there's nothing or nobody to live for. I'm awful at summaries, sad story about a lost in time friendship and an encouragement to find something good in the bad things, don't blame me


Alone  
  
Morning.  
  
It doesn't feel like it.  
  
It seems to me as if I were trapped in an endless, star-free, chilly night. A night from which I'd never wake up.  
  
No sunrise, no dawn.  
  
Just dark and cold.  
  
That's how I feel, though the planet has decided not to be as how I feel. Problably because if it did, all the living creatures would die out.  
  
That's what I would like now, to die.  
  
Then I would join them and be as happy as I was while they were around.  
  
But that wouldn't be alright.  
  
No.  
  
They left this world to make it better for others, and I'll honour them. Even though that means dying of pain and sadness, I'll be strong for them.  
  
Next time I meet them, they'll be proud of me. yes. they will.  
  
I now leave this comfortable bed in this roomy bedroom and go downstairs to prepare myself breakfast - alone.  
  
Each step makes me feel as if I was going down to Hell to meet Lucifer himself, what have I done to deserve this?  
  
The kitchen, but no Kreacher around. He's probably hidding or something - probably mourning over his late mistress's glasses.  
  
Anger floods through me and I kick the table, which doesn't feel anything but now I do feel an extra pain, though this one isn't killing me as it is in my left foot.  
  
If it hadn't been for that stupid elf, Sirius would still be alive.  
  
Sirius.  
  
Tears start leaking down my face, I can't help it. I don't care what people think about crying not being manly - Sirius's lost is more than enough to make anyone cry.  
  
Here am I, hearing his voice in my head, laughing at his cousin and then, so suddenly, life runs out of his body, disappearing, leaving this world.  
  
Leaving me alone.  
  
There's no one left.  
  
At least I have to thank having met them.  
  
I open a cupboard and pick a mug for my morning coffee. It's a mug with a dog imprinted on it. That dog is black, massive and it's got a pair of starts instead of eyes. the Dog Star, Sirius.  
  
Sirius - always cheering me up, playing pranks on the Slytherins, flirting with every single femeale in the school, taking every single positive thing in life and never being serious - until James died, that is. That's when life stopped for you, didn't it? Then you became a haunted man, fighting everyday against guilt and pain, but you were strong, my friend. James was your best friend, the one who made you forget about your very disappointing family, the one who made you feel really loved and appreciated. I loved you, Sirius, though my feelings were not so easily demonstrated as James's were, who had them on his very skin, ready to jump in an instant. No, I was, then again, different: you had to dig in my heart to find them, but you still knew they were there. But I've been too complex sometimes. You realized how much I valued you when you reappeared that night at Hogwarts in the Shrieking Shack. But nothing was the same. I saw it in your eyes - it was the same look I had. Your life was still with James - lost somewhere since that Hallowe'en. Your life was , from then on, like a boat wreckage - all because of Peter.  
  
I turn the kettle on and start putting on the table the things I should have for breakfast - toast with butter and marmelade, orange juice, some fruit and coffee. That's what the doctor said, but I'm afraid that if I try to eat all that I'll end up in the bathroom throwing it all up.  
  
I hear a sound from the outside of the house and I jump up with a start - but then, I see, it's just the newspaper deliverer. Guess I'm just being paranoid.  
  
This house - you knew I had finnacial problems and you gave it to me and your godson. You wanted me to live happily - as - as you thought I deserved.  
  
I can't stand it any longer. Something is aching in my throat, my hand is hurting. I look down and I see that it's because my hand is pressing too hard onto the feel-free table.  
  
I'm jealous of the table, it doesn't have to suffer.  
  
Who would've thought, twenty five years ago that you, that innocent and scared chap would grow up to betray your so-called best friends? You were so nice to us - and we pitied you so much at first that we started hanging with you. Finally, we ended up being your friends, but until when? When did you decide we were no longer you friends? You fooled us, Peter - something that few people managed to. Maybe, us, the three loyal Marauders weren't as intelligent as we always thought we were. I don't know what we did to deserve you hatred, Pete, but sure enough you demonstrated to us we didn't treat you right while at school - James was the first victim.  
  
James - I smile to myself, remembering him. His image is so clear in my mind - it doesn't matter he's not with me now, his face is vivid in my mind. Yes, that's how I'll remeber him: laughing his head off at Sirius's jokes, ruffling his hair, boasting about his Quidditch talent, driving McGonagall and the whole school crazy, smiling to everyone; I don't want that image of him worried, hugging his wife and only son, stopping to eat, having eyebags undre his eyes. but I can't help it, it's something that nags on the end of my head. It was fun when he hexed Snape, the truth be told; though that used to make Lily mad-  
  
Lily - something's caught up my throat which makes it impossible to swallow or breathe properly. She was a great actress, we thought for years that she hated James, but then they end up marrying each other. Funny how people's minds work. She was a good friend, she was there for the people that suffered always, gave all of herself for the ones in pain.  
  
Yes, in the end she gave all of herself - she gave herself.  
  
That's what James did, too. He died to let Lily run.  
  
James, my brave friend, even though she couldn't live, you didn't die in vain.  
  
I pick up a spoon and start revolving the sugar in the coffee. I don't really liked its taste but it's the only thing that wakes me up - not that I wouldn't prefer to sleep for a lifetime.  
  
But that would probably be a nightmare.  
  
I think I'm going mad. I'm seeing images of James's wedding in the dark coffee.  
  
I peer through the window, as if I was expecting somebody.  
  
I give a hollow laugh and put the mug on the table to fasten the blue night-gown I'm wearing.  
  
It used to belong to James.  
  
I have one thing of each of them right now - James's night-gown, Sirius's doggy slippers and the pyjamas Lily made me.  
  
I sit again because nobody is going to come, after all, the only ones who know about this house are the members of the Order and right now I don't think they'd feel OK with me in this state.  
  
Pitiful.  
  
But I suppose that's what I've always been, a pitiful guy.  
  
I look around the kitchen. It looks very old.  
  
Sirius didn't like this house, it didn't feel like home and it brought back too many sad memories.  
  
How much you've suffered, my friend.  
  
Now it is my turn.  
  
I don't know what to do.  
  
I feel like a four year-old boy who's lost his mummy in a mall.  
  
I stand up again and pour the coffee through the sink's hole and turn the tap to make the dregs vanish. I then move to start tiding up the things that I've used for breakfast.  
  
An idea comes up in my brain.  
  
I'll try and make this house more or less like a home, as if us, the Marauders were about to live in it, we'd have parties until the crack of dawn, with alcohol and girls, we'd -  
  
I shake my head vigorously. It's not a good idea to dwell upon imaginary scenes with people that now don't even exist.  
  
I start by the living room.  
  
As I dust the shelves and throw away some portraits of grumpy-looking wizards who protested indeed for being thrown into the wastebag, I find a photo of us four with Lily - Graduation Day.  
  
That photo is nice, it should always stay there.  
  
There's a sixteenth century shelf in a corner of this room which I've always been curious about, but you, James, and then you, Sirius, forbade me to open it unless you were dead.  
  
I come closer to it. Shall I open it?  
  
I decide against it for a second, but then I change my mind and unlock it with my wand. It's not only because of curiosity, it's just to cling to them, have something that only a real friend would be able to have, hold in my hands what's left of them.  
  
Letters.  
  
Letters!  
  
I pick them up and count them. There are nine.  
  
Then I see that in the background there are torn pieces of what must have been another letter.  
  
I sit on the black velvety couch and look at the back of the envelope.  
  
My heart skips a beat.  
  
The letter is adressed to me.  
  
I'm fumbling, my fingers don't really respond to me now, while opening carefully the envelope.  
  
Dear Remus,  
  
If you are reading this, then it means that I'm long gone. I told you to never open this unless I was dead, and so I must be.  
  
Don't be sad, please.  
  
I just wanted to tell you, my wolfing friend, that I've learned a lot from you and the hapiness you've brought to me through the years is more than what you will ever know.  
  
I really don't know what to write in a farewell letter, but I know I must as my time here is limited even if Sirius jokes about it, but did I expect him to be serious in anything? Not really. But if it weren't for his cheeriness, I'd have gone to pieces a long time ago.  
  
Also, if it hadn't been for you, I don't know where I would've ended.  
  
Maybe it's a bit tragic to write this but I think it's only fair. Please take care of Lily, Harry, Sirius, Peter - and yourself.  
  
Just one last thing, Remus, thank you for being a loyal and faithful friend to me in every moment and aspect of my life.  
  
Love,  
  
Prongs  
  
Pd- Would you mind telling Harry when he grows up stuff about us when we were at Hogwqarts? I'm sure Lily will do her part but she doesn't know but half of it - and she'll never, had she known, I'd still be a bachelor.  
  
I can't believe it. James left a farewell letter, as if he knew beforehand what was going to happen to him - well, maybe he suspected it.  
  
That's James. Always noble and valiant, always the one who'd come up with stuff like this.  
  
Stuff that can touch the most unreachable part of my heart.  
  
'Thank you, James' I whisper and kiss his letter, folding it then gently and putting it carefully onto the couch.  
  
I turn to the wad of envelopes. The next letter is also from James.  
  
This one is adressed to Sirius and it had already been opened. Though he thought Sirius wouldn't have mind, he decided against reading it.  
  
James, my friend, he won't need this, you're with him.  
  
I turn to the next letter.  
  
To Lily, my love it says.  
  
The next one is for Peter. Oh, James! If you only knew!  
  
I want to tear it up because Peter doesn't deserve it, but then I realize James wrote it, so I leave it.  
  
The next - the next is to Harry, his beloved son.  
  
James, you'd have been proud of your son, quite a man he's become. So much like you, even if you never really knew him - though, I guess, you live in him.  
  
The next one is from Sirius to James. Then to Lily, Harry and - me.  
  
Dear Remsie-poo,  
  
Aww! James is crazy! He's made me write all this stuff! Ok, so if I'm going to die tomorrow, it was good to know you and all that and I assume you'll take over in the family business, you know, being the heart-breaker number one.  
  
Have a nice day!  
  
From Heaven above,  
God  
  
Dear Remus,  
  
I'm sorry about the rubbish I scrawled before but I wrote it while with James and I really couldn't pull myself to rip it apart, I just couldn't tear the last moments of his life with me. I hope you understand. Silly, you always understand everything.  
  
I'm extremely sorry for the pain I've caused you, thinking that one of your best friends had murdered the other two, I just hope you'll be able to live forgetting about the trouble I've provoked,.  
  
Thank you for always being there when I needed you, Remus. If you hadn't been in the group we wouldn't have been like we were or had been.  
  
Since Dumbledore forced me to stay in this awful house all day long, I've been cleaning it up and -don't tell Dumbledore- kicking Kreacher. But I've also had time, more than what I'd have wanted, to think - yes, me, Sirius Black, think.  
  
If you're reading this then it means that I'm gone, but please don't worry because I'll be in a better place with my long lost friend. But I'll miss deeply two things.  
  
The first will be that I won't be able to see you and talk to you for a long time, Remus.  
  
Of course, the second and last thing is Harry. He's the one, with you, of course, that has been able to bring back the happy early schooldays memories, so please, take care of him. He's James with some minor flaws. He has James's spirit, but he has some other stuff that James didn't, which may annoy me sometimes but James didn't go through the same experiences as Harry's had. I love him, so please look after him. He's strong, yes, but his heart has suffered too much and he needs someone beside him always, and you're now the only thing he has got left of his parents.  
  
Your doggy friend,  
  
Padfoot.  
  
I smile despite myself as I see that Sirius's sign is just Padfoot's claw in ink.  
  
It's a sad letter, but it has given me strength.  
  
I now know what those pieces of paper were about. Peter's letter from Sirius was missing. Sirius tore the one he'd written but couldn't do the same with the one from James, exactly what had happened to me earlier.  
  
I sigh and my head starts revolving around Lily and James's son, Sirius's godson and my student.  
  
And I realize I'm not alone, there's still Harry.  
  
Harry.  
  
Yes, he's the last one but the one who has bits of the three.  
  
When he smiles, Sirius is the one who shows up. Also when I wild thought comes up in his brain or when he's up to break school rules.  
  
Everytime he's being reasonable or compassionate, he's Lily. No doubt about that.  
  
The rest of the time he's James, simply James.  
  
Who could ask more for a godson?  
  
See, Remus, your friends have left you something, their most treasured possesion.  
  
You're not alone.  
  
There's still him to live for.  
  
'I promise, Sirius, that Harry'll be OK under my care' I whisper, kissing Sirius letter.  
  
I start rummaging a closet in a desktop in the living room and find a photograph of Harry.  
  
As I look at it I can see in my mind those three friends telling me not to let go and give up.  
  
I stare into Harry's eyes and see Lily's encouraging gaze, I see his smile and Sirius's energy and determination hits me. Then I see the whole of Harry and I see James.  
  
I get a roll of parchment and write him a letter telling him to show up eventually if he'd like to see something that Sirius and James had written, but I advise him it's rather sad.  
  
I wait and read and reread both James and Sirius's letters.  
  
I check the clock and I see that it's already half past twelve.  
  
I'm getting up and I see an owl fluttering, it has a letter.  
  
I grab it and start reading Harry's letter.  
  
He tells me he's be in the fireplace in five minutes.  
  
I move to the fireplace. Sure enough, a few minutes later I see him dusting his robes in the same way James would've done.  
  
Then, I find myself telling him what I have found and a flash crosses in his eyes - the same flash Lily had; and a Sirius-like smile appears in his face. He wants to read them all.  
  
We're going to sit in the couch in Sirus's old bedroom. There we planned tons of pranks to pull on the Slytherins.  
  
Soon enough, Harry snatches the letters and starts reading them avidly, starting by Sirius's and then moving to his father's, ready to find out more about Sirius and unravel a bit of his father's unknown life.  
  
And I smile to myself, watching him, knowing that somewhere in that extraordinary boy are the ones that made me once taste happiness.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but the plot! Nada de nada! It's all JKR, blame her for having such wonderful ideas!  
  
A/N: finished!! RECORD! Just two hours! I was uploading my ninth chapter of Forevermore and then the idea suddenly comes up in my mind! Of course, I'm not yet entirely happy with it so I'll eventually fix it, but I hope you like it. I think it's quite sad, but you know I love angst.  
  
Please review!  
  
My head is aching, I think I'm gonna stop for while.  
  
Thanks to all the people that had reviewed my two other stories - Till We Meet Again and Forevermore - and please, to the ones who haven't, review and tell me what you think.  
  
Kristen Black  
  
A/N: Again, here am I, correcting mistakes and all that. I don't know if I've run over through it too quickly but it doesn't matter, I'll check it again sometime soon. Thanks for the people that have so far reviewed this story both in ffnet and harrypotterfanfiction.com - forsakenphoenix, anymialurr (it is written like this? Sorry if I spelled it wrong!), ProngsGirl4Life, Diosa Alexia. - Thanks to you all!  
  
I have now two other ideas in mind - a fanfic about Sirius and another from the filthy rat - that's gonna be very difficult 2 write cos I'll probably be insulting him more than writing through him. I'll try I swear.  
  
Kristen Black  
  
A/N: It is I! Again! I'm starting to feel quite bored. If someone wants to tell me anything, mail me at Kristen_Black16@hotmail.com, or isa_ole_ole@hotmail.com, or Kristen_J_Black@hotmail.com, but I'd prefer if you used the first one as the other 2 are usually full. Well, I'll continue now with chapter the of Forevermore - 'The best moments never happen to be planned'.  
  
Kristen Black 


End file.
